Alissa Melody Omega

After my last divorce, I had to make a very serious choice. I was at the very end of my rope. I had been divorced 3 times now, by men who claimed to commit to eternity with me, love me forever, and every single one of them abandoned me. I could no longer assimilate all this into I found the wrong one, and it’s just bad luck. I couldn’t cut the cord of pain simply by demonizing every part of the love we experienced together as a family, because there were two beautiful little boys hanging in the middle, that were perfectly imperfect in every way, and whom I had grown and chosen to love as my own, and who were absolutely innocent in all of this. This forced a very, very long grieving process, that I hadn’t experienced before. Demonizing the guy in the past helped me to disconnect from my pain, and made me want to run to the next guy as soon as I could. This couldn’t work here, because the greatest of all the pain I had was in losing those boys and the family unit I had believed to be forever. I felt like that had been stolen from me.  

What used to be a few weeks of agony after a breakup, when before I would just shut it down and look for someone new, this time turned into months. Months of debilitating pain and agony. I couldn’t be around people. I was breaking down sobbing at every turn. It felt like I would never end. Eventually, after tons of soul searching, and chasing the love crumbs for those boys, in the midst of all the pain, I found the truth about loss. The truth about love. I found a way out, without severing the love connection, and that forced me to question everything. If this is real love, then what in the world had I been sold that love is, lived love as, and given to love all my life? It was clear there was a great big gap between the love I had found, and the love I had been taught about by the Church. 

I did the bravest thing I could do, and I did a deep dive inward into the darkness of my past, every belief and choice that brought me here, the foundation that made me, the religion that molded me, and every ancient writing about Christ I could find. I had tasted a bit of the godly love, and I needed more, and no longer was I scared of what I might find wrong with me If I looked. In fact, for the first time, I truly wanted to know.

I had no bars on me this time. I wasn’t scared of what I might have to give up, what humility I may need, I was at a point where I had tried every single other thing, I had given my life and my child everything I had been taught to the greatest degree I had in me. Something had to change, and I was willing to go to whatever lengths to find it. Whatever sacrifice, whatever relationship I had to sacrifice other than my son, whatever pride, there was only one thing truly worth pursuing in my life at this point, and that was to find and replace any false love that had created this perpetual hell cycle I had found myself in this life, with this new unbreakable love I had found within me. So I did. 

I searched, I read, I scoured books, internet, drudged up every past painful memories, relationships, teachings, belief systems. I went down many rabbit holes, and started seeing everything through new eyes, new accountability, new love. Uprooting everything that didn’t resonate at true love and collecting all teachings that did. I started recognizing which beliefs and actions I had been holding onto out of fear of losing my family, instead of choices based on my internal compass of love, forgiveness, sovereignty and accountability.

I had looked 8 years earlier into all the Church's history. I had lost my testimony of the Church and ultimately of the God I had created outside of me, and this was all happening while I was pregnant with my son. Losing my faith at that time was the single hardest thing I had ever gone through, I went into a deep depression and asked deep soul questions. I couldn’t find any answers while I was awake, but started having life-altering dreams with this higher consciousness. I found a greater connection to this voice within me. I chose to go back into the church with new eyes, and for my foundation to be this connection to the God I found within me, to allow myself to be in anything like religion, without attaching myself specifically to it to have any control over me. From that point forward, I was LDS because the God within me believed it to be good for me and that was good enough for me.

The more loving teaching and truths I fell upon, the less I felt the need to cling to the church,. The more I found safety and love within, the less I felt I needed some external thing. The more I found this new form of unbreakable love though, the harder it was to find acceptance with my family. It was so hard to attempt to be seen, understood, and respected in my new ways. I got many letters talks from my mother and father, trying to correct me of my ways. The more I allowed myself to be sovereign, the more flack I received, and the more judgement and isolation. I wasn’t invited to many things anymore, unless it was a “whole family” activity. The more rejection, the easier it was to see how much the church had molded me out of fear. The more I could see the perpetual hell cycle that they themselves were in. I could see how hard it is to get out of this system of control, and why we were all stuck in it for so long. Slowly my pain of rejection from them, became more of a sense of compassion. Sad that they were all still stuck, while I myself was finally finding something more beautiful, more full of love, freedom and self-empowerment. 

It’s been a long and painful road, and I know there’s still so much more to discover and learn, and that is the path I am on. I am a truth seeker. I don’t attach myself to anything, but I collect all things that resonate as true love, and I allow all that feels good right and true to be with me. I allow all others to have differing points of view, and for that to not need to contradict my point of view. That’s the beauty of God’s love after all. Many different points of view to the same beautiful love. We are all on our own paths toward it, and we all deserve to be valid in our views. It’s an adventure, and everyone’s path inward toward it, will always look different, because they all started at a different place. I do believe that eventually we all find our way back to unity, and until we are all back together as one big family telling our great grand adventures to find each other back together, the story isn’t over. 

Here’s the greatest truth I have found: God is love, and love is within myself, and yet that same love is within all things. Therefore, God is me, and I am everywhere, in everything, and everyone. The beauty of God is that we can be separate and all together at the same time.